I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
