Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
