why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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