Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
