i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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