does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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