I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
