just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
