I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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