girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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