I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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