Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
