We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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