They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
