Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
