I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
