You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
sex in a hospital.. check
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize