if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
