Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize