cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
