At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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