She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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