My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
