sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
