it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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