i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
