The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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