I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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