my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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