can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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