I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
