Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
