Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
