i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
