You can't motorboat a personality
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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