DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
