you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
