the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
