they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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