I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
