How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
