Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
