Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
