and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
