Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
