ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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