My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
