Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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