Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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