Michael Bay diarrhea
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize