Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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