what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
