Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
