On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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