Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
