True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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