Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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