I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize