it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
