Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
